Are we in a gay sports bar?
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
Randomize