Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
vagina is talking i cant
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
what the fuck happened to the tacos
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
Randomize
