I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
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