She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
