I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
Help. Why am I so naked?
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