i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
Randomize
