i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
Randomize
