Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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