THE most awkward situation I have EVER been in
Also, I just threw up a little in my mouth and had to act like everything was totally fine.
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
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