Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
