I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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