Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
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