Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm