I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
These Attractive Criminals Took Sexy Mugshots That Made Them Famous
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
This Girl’s Unbelievable Catfish Story Will Make You Rethink Online Dating
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.