Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher