see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
yeah you're probably right.. i should stop equating love with getting naked on a webcam for him.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way