I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
