Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Randomize
