I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
