bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
