that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize