He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
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