If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Randomize
