So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
Randomize
