Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
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