I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
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I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
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I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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