there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
I pour the whiskey from now on
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
