I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
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