Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
