you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Randomize
