He only uses me for sexual pleasure. The sad part is I don't even feel like a slut. I just I feel like I should just live in the top drawer of his nightstand....for free of course.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
