whjeg hajt iyt
say what?
wanna hang out?
I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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