my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
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