God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Randomize
