he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
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