I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
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