Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
Randomize
