After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
Randomize
