Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
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