You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
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