I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
Randomize
