i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
Randomize
