I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
Randomize
