i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
