It was then that he suggested we all nibble ears. A nibble circle.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
