I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Randomize
