Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
I was not drunk enough for that final.
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
Randomize
