seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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