it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
Randomize
