If it makes you feel better, you're better at taking it in than ass than she is...
Well...yeah actually, that does make me feel better
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Randomize
