there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
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