I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
Randomize
