Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
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