I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Randomize
