So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
The best revenge is premature balding
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
Randomize
