just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
porn star on stage now. Get unkicked out.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
Randomize
