Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
Finally buying a camera. Missed out on recording a 3way last night. Hindsight. Ugh.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Randomize
