omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
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You. Win. At. Life.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
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